PCA Shortage/Enotional Day

It's been a long time, but I really feel the need to post. Minnesota, and I, are in a PCA crisis. PCA stands for personal care attendant.

I am unable to do most of the activities of daily living, like grooming, dressing, cooking, bathing, toileting, Etc. I can only raise my hand about to eyebrow level ,  and I have difficulty grasping things at times with my hands. If it were not for the system of PCA's, I would be in a nursing home for the physical care. Cognitively, I am intact ( for the most part, LOL)

Since the middle of May I went from 7 staff members ( 24-hour care), (which meant I could sleep in my bed, instead of my chair, and have help whenever I needed it) to 3/4 of a staff person ( she was in a car accident, so she can't dress me excetera but she can help me with my household stuff). They left for financial reasons, family emergencies, and life changes. I have asked non PCA friends to come help change me excetera and they have been wonderful but they can only do so much

Without staff, I am forced to sleep in my chair, which has secondary negative effects: it causes my legs to swell, which can cause sores, and potential infections. I nearly lost my foot a few years ago because of it. I'm much better prepared now to deal with it so it doesn't get that far, but it's still a risk

For toileting, when I have staff I get on the toilet in the mornings, and in the evening. In-between I use incontinence products kind of like Depends. If I'm forced to sleep in my chair, chances are I won't get changed before hand, and I sit in a wet diaper for up to 24 hours if not longer. The word unpleasant doesn't cover it. Usually I'm in my home, I have food, water, and I'm safe, but I'm trapped inside until I can get changed . If you know me at all this is torture in the summertime. Not being able to go outside is a huge frustration. It's hard to plan anything because I might have to cancel because I'm not fit to go amongst people.

Today is that day, and it's really frustrating and hard. This too shall pass but boy it's tough.

I have no idea how to solve the problem, or what we're going to do in the next few years because it's going to get so much worse as more baby boomers get more frail. This has been the only time in my life when I wish I had a family of my own, but that doesn't always guarantee help either.

So I keep my head up, hug my puppy dog, work on projects in the house that I can, be grateful for every minute that I can have outside, and try to remember that this too shall pass.

If you've read this far, thanks for letting me vent.

My Christmas Wish List

I tell my girls (my staff) that one of the hardest things I had to learn was to ask for help. It can be humbling, embarrassing. (I choose those words over humiliating and shameful.) I tell them how letting people know there is a need to be filled allows others to become a blessing. If others don't know there's a need, how can it be filled? 

As most of you know I'm on a very low, fixed income. I have learned to carve a life within those boundaries, but there is very little wiggle room. When an unexpected expense comes up, such as an ongoing expensive medication that is not covered by insurance, or a staff member accidentally breaks a dryer in the laundry room and I'm financially responsible, or the van needs more than just an oil change, etc., I have to go without the more "frivolous " things. I never go hungry, but eating healthier can be more expensive, so I have to choose carefully, plan ahead, and/or gratefully make use of the food shelf. Eating out becomes a treat. Rent always comes first. I'm safe, and fed, and cared for--and very grateful. 

So, (taking a deep breath here) I put forth my Christmas wish list in hopes that a need/want can be fulfilled. Some will judge this inappropriate - I honor that and hope you will be kind. 

I have a number of friends on here that are in the same situation. They work hard but receive less than a living wage, while trying to raise kids. The “working poor”. Perhaps they will find the courage to make their wishes known as well. 

MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST 

**Gas cards so I can pursue MN Master Naturalist volunteer opportunities elsewhere ($ for workshop fees as well), or visit out-of-town friends, or go see the Christmas lights, or go to the Cities to see ol’ college friends, or go visit out-of-town family, etc.

**Subscription to the local newspaper 

**Postage $ to send things to my grandnieces, etc. 

**The rechargeable batteries to go with the charger I was given 

**Subscription to Ancestry.com, and/or a DNA test so I can continue the quest to find my paternal grandmother's people. She came out of an orphanage. 

**Print cartridges for my printer 

**$ for the medications/medical supplies that are not covered 

**Archival framing of my mother’s childhood dress and provenance

  

**Digitize 16mm/8mm family home movies 

To all the angels who have been there for me over the years, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I hope you are blessed tenfold in return. You will be forever in my heart. 

Merry Christmas all!

A New Adventure Begins

As many of you know, I am out every single day, during the warm months, in my power wheelchair down by the local river, my beloved river, on the river trails. I have often wished I knew more about my surroundings than I do, and now is my chance. I have begun studying to become a Minnesota Master Naturalist. It's offered through the University of Minnesota Extension Office. This particular class is called "Big Woods, Big Rivers" and concentrates on the area of the state from approximately the Fargo/Moorhead area in the northwest corner of Minnesota and angeling through the middle of the state down to the southeast corner of Minnesota. The title of the textbook reads "Big Woods, Big Rivers--An Introduction To The Natural History of Minnesota's Deciduous Forests".

My first education into the environment in which we live was when I was in 10th Grade. My homeroom teacher was also my biology teacher and he started a class called "Ecology". Although I had grown up at our lake cabin deep in the woods, this was my first journey into the education of what I was seeing around me. That man's name was Roland Johnson, and he started something called "The Ecology Site" down by the Crow River (named after the Sioux leader Taoyateduta, also known as Little Crow) just across the street from the high school. This was in the early '70s.  Last summer (2017) the site was dedicated to Mr. Johnson, and rightfully so. I remember during that class we were each given a one inch patch of grass outside the building. We were to observe and make a record of every different thing we saw, from a blade of grass, to bugs, to mosses, to dirt quality, etcetera. All in a one square inch patch of earth.. From that one inch patch he taught us how everything is interconnected and that if you change one thing, you change everything. That tiny little patch of grass expanded wider and wider until we could see just how much we were affecting our planet Earth.

Now over 40 years later, I get to learn even more about this world around me. As a part of the program we are required to do 40 hours of volunteer work, spreading the word about environmentalism and conservation and trying to light new little fires in our young ones. I'm not sure what my project is going to be but I think I'm probably going to use this format to pass on what I've learned, perhaps using pictures and videos as well.

So, week one I have two chapters to read. The first chapter is an introduction to the Minnesota Master Naturalist Program.  The next chapter is entitled "Rocks, Ice, and Dirt--Geology of the Big Woods. Minnesota is located right on the edge of what has become known as the Big Woods, and the tall grass prairies.

I really am quite excited about this. I feel like I can use my brain again. I can begin to pass on what I've learned on my own, and when I've finished this class, I will try to teach the next generation of environmentalists and conservationists  just how important their surroundings are and that what they do affects everyone and everything around them. I hope to try to raise awareness of how important our environment is and that the biggest changes start at the smallest levels, in this case our babies.

Wedding And Babies

My first grandniece was born in 2016. My brother's first grandchild. She is such a joy.

I had a quilt sitting in a drawer that was unfinished because I ran out of sashing material. It was square and so I wasn't quite sure what to do with it all these years, until my grandniece's birth. My PCAs helped me back it, tie it, and bind it, and I gave it to her the first time I met her. When she arrived she was wearing a sweater that I crocheted for her, and it meant so very much to me.

This precious one lives about 8 hrs awaty, so I don't get to see her very much, but thanks to social media I get to see pictures and videos and talk to her online. She's growing so fast. I know she loves birds from what I hear, and she already speaks German as well as English (or is beginning to anyway :-))

The niece I mentioned in a previous blog, Elizabeth (my brother Mark's oldest daughter) has, in the last year or so, gotten engaged, moved twice, married, bought a house, started a new job, and had a baby. That's a lot of rites of passage in one year!

On April 16, 2017, Easter Sunday, Reagan Alma Neseth was born.

Alma is my middle name, was my maternal grandmother's name, and was also the name of one of Reagan's dad's grandmother's, or great-grandmothers (I can never remember), so obviously I'm thrilled with her name.

I drove down to see her the day after she was born, and got to hold her. She was all of one day old. (I'm crying right now just thinking about it.) I gave her one of her great grandma's pins, and showed her the unfinished quilt I was making for her (actually one of my PCAs did the sewing, I did the designing).

During all the festivities for Elizabeth's wedding, I came to know a dear lady named Nona. She was a big part of Elizabeth's life growing up, and one of Mark and Julie's (Elizabeth's parents) dearest friends. She'd been diagnosed with a neurological disorder and was in a wheelchair. Because of that, she had an aluminum ramp, which allowed me to go to Elizabeth's bridal shower and her baby shower. I otherwise would not have been able to attend. To say, being able to do that meant the world to me, is the biggest understatement I have ever made. I will forever be grateful to her for making that possible and for allowing me to become closer to my nieces and my brother's family. The neurological disorder has since taken Nona. But I know I for one, will always be grateful to her, and will never ever forget her.

I have plans to go down and have lunch with Elizabeth and Reagan next Monday and am so looking forward to it. Now I just need to find someone to sew the binding on Reagan's quilt before then.

UPDATE 12/8/2017: I thought I'd published this but I didn't. We did go to Mankato to have lunch with my niece and grandniece. She loved her quilt.

My Mother's Jewelry

My mother loved jewelry. Most of it was costume jewelry, but back in the day costume jewelry was beautiful. After she passed away I ended up with most of her jewelry. On days when I was lonesome for her, I would pull it out and look at it and remember her. It was bittersweet.

This summer during garage sale season, I happened upon three memory frames for a very reasonable price. I bought them immediately, knowing just exactly what I was going to do with them. Flash forward now to November.  I made the above for Christmas using mom's old jewelry. It turned out beautiful, much better than I even expected. There are some very unique pieces on this one, and I smile every time I look at it. There is a sewing machine key, very ornate old-fashioned key, the ballerina pins, earrings that she wore fairly often. There is a gold leaf with a pearl that is actually from Avon and has a small cream perfume dispenser inside that still has perfume in it -- it still smells like mama. There's some beautiful brooches and some stray earrings. I had to make the hard decision of taking the backs off of all of them. I kind of hoped to be able to keep them wearable in case somebody wanted to wear them one day, but it just didn't work. Anyway, I suspect those days are long gone.

I hope they become heirloom pieces for the family one day. Now I think about it, maybe I'll put a small informational sticker on the back for future generations.

     ====================

It amazes me how the little things can bring comfort, like looking at a piece of jewelry, or a Christmas ornament made long ago. Many will say they're just things, and they are, but they're precious things filled with the energy of loved ones. They bring good memories filled with love and light, and more importantly comfort. I do not believe when we die it is the end. I believe we are all light and energy, and that we choose to come into a physical existence. I believe when we die we are just released from our physical bonds. We still exist, just in a very different form. While we are in physical form we are here to learn what it is to love and to care, without guilt or negativity. We learn to forgive ourselves, and others. Forgiveness is a powerful force.

I believe that we choose our lives, before we are born, with a great deal of guidance and wisdom. Some of us choose harder lives than others, choosing to experience things that we do not understand, or did not understand, in previous life experiences, in order to choose more wisely – – to learn that we can do no wrong, that everything we experience (no matter how horrendous) has a reason and purpose, and to remember who we truly are, and in so doing, why we are here.

I don't understand it all, and sometimes it's very, very hard to experience, but I know in the end it is all for good. To those of you who are born-again Christians, I am as well. I know some of this flies in the face of what we have been taught, but I'm not so sure it does. One night I was laying in bed and I thought to myself, "Why are the people in my church not getting better?" The next thought that came into my mind was, "How big is your God?" My life has never been the same after that moment. God is beyond so much more than what we are taught, and that's saying something. So much more.

I hope this holiday season is a blessing for you all. When things get really tough, just ask yourself, "How big is my God?" You just might be surprised by the answer.

Spring Day on February 17, 2017

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood today. Sunny and in the 60s, and yes it's February in Minnesota. (But climate change isn't real, she writes sarcastically. ;-))

UPDATE: I Have Experienced My Mortality Face to Face

I just discovered this draft from 2011. Not too dissimilar from what I just went through, Feb. 2017.


I have just returned home from a stay in the intensive care unit at Abbott-Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis.  I experienced a number of infections that caused my heart rate to rise to as high as 155, a white blood cell count of 30,000 something and a blood pressure that was 50's over 70's.  I just returned Sunday (today is Wed.),and it's just hitting me how very sick I really was.  Much of my family was at my beside.  I heard today that my home health aide nurse was told I might not be coming home.  Bottom-line: I was dying.