A former college friend recently reminded me that I hadn't written for some time so here I am. So much has changed since my last post; where to begin....
I received a day's notice late in April for an appointment at the Mayo Clinic with my Rheumatologist. It was a long day for my personal care attendant (PCA) and I but we did it and when we pulled in to the parking lot back at home at the end of the day we were exhausted. My mom came down in her little red scooter to see how it went as was her norm. Unfortunately she had a run-in with a man who lives in the same building and who had been hounding her for some time. In that moment of exhaustion and fatigue I decided I didn't have the strength nor the endurance to care for her any longer...we needed more help. Through tears I went upstairs, phoned my oldest brother to tell him the time had come and he agreed and proceeded to let my other brother know as well. This was a Wednesday. Monday afternoon we moved mom to an assisted living facility in a small town nearby. It was brand new and beautiful and right on a lake. She could have some of her furniture and the help she needed. The first night she said she cried but the second evening when we visited her she actually seemed pleased with the situation. We were thrilled as we drove home. Not a half hour after arriving home the phone rang telling me she had fallen out of her wheelchair and they were sending her to the hospital. Less than 48 hours in her new home and she had fallen and broken her hip. She opted out of surgery. The new place couldn't provide the care she needed and so we ended up putting her in the local nursing home and there she will stay until the end of her days; the place I had been trying to keep her out of all this time.
One instance...one altercation...one long day...one decision and both of our lives changed drastically and forever. Suddenly I've given the care of my mother over to strangers, and my brothers, sister-in-law, a dear friend and I are sorting through a lifetime of stuff. Instead of going on the elevator and down the hall to check on her, I'm on the phone or driving up the hill. I'm making decisions I don't want to make anymore. I'm watching her independence fade into thin air...a woman who was the epitome of independence now dependent on strangers for almost everything. Once off the painkillers she realized her situation and was/is not happy. Yes she has dementia but she's still with it enough to know and she hates it...I hate it...I hate that place...I hate that I had to be the one to make the decision...I hate that all her personal items she loved so much have been dispersed and she's left with very little of the things she surrounded herself with, those things that made her so very happy. I'm the family's memory now, not her and though I'm glad I listened well, it doesn't feel like my place...that's her place, not mine.
She's starting to settle in and I'm slowly finding my way. I feel very alone at times: I lost the constant company of both of my best friends in less than a year... I hope my family will forgive my openness about these matters in such a public arena...it's my way of trying to heal and move on...writing always has been a healing balm for me.
We've had some wonderful things happen in our family as well: my eldest niece and Goddaughter married a wonderful man in a beautiful wedding in Chicago this spring as well. I have never seen her as happy as she was on her wedding day. It was a wonderful event in our lives.
I continue to fight for my health; trying new medications, adapting to the the physical changes and trying to enjoy life as much as I can. My PCA's and HHA's are wonderful and take good care of me, which allows me to stay in my apartment - otherwise I'd be my mom's roommate and I don't think I could handle living in a nursing home right now, so I am ever so grateful for all the support I have - everyone that makes it possible for me to stay in my home. I picked the right day and age to have to endure this with all that is available as far as technology and the health care/social system. I treasure every good day that I have and take advantage of it to the fullest.
I have met many supportive people in this cyberspace world and I am grateful as well for all the support, learning, and laughter I have experienced because of them/you. It's pretty fun sometimes.
That college friend I told you about is collecting stories from us. About 11 of us, all considered "non-traditional students" (meaning we were over 22 years old) met at a community college in Minneapolis and made a pact to get together at least once a year at a cabin in WI. As far as I know we have done just that and although not all of us can make it each year, we are there in spirit. Anyway, she asked us to write down our favorite memories of our annual get-togethers whilst we could still remember them. It was fun remembering all the mischief we used to get into...we all graduated from that little college in the early nineties and we're still getting together, sometimes on a monthly basis. When we met we ranged in ages of twenty-something, to I believe fifty-something. It was a good idea Kathy...your mom and her friends were our inspiration and I for one am grateful.
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