It's The Things We Take For Granted That Are The Most Precious

Just finished another hospital stay. My life is changing again. My shoulders are disintegrating from Rheumatoid Arthritis and sleeping has been very painful the last couple of months. Because of the contractures in my knees I have had to sleep on my side for about 10 years with only brief periods on my back. Now, sleeping on my side is painful as well. I discovered in the hospital that laying in a bed was no longer feasible if I wanted to sleep comfortably, so now I sleep in my reclining/tilting wheelchair...no more bed. It's hard to wrap my head around. I didn't see it coming. It's a good choice but means so many different things: I'm getting worse...I'm losing another piece of everyday life...grieving the old and learning the new...it means not as many transfers which gives my entire body much less work to undertake...which means my joints will last that much longer. What seems bad is actually good...what's good has become bad...change....grieving...letting go...acceptance...moving on...

When you crawl into bed tonight, enjoy the feel of the cool sheets against your skin, the warmth of your favorite quilt, the relief of your muscles slowly letting go and relaxing, rolling over on your stomach, stretching your legs out to hang over the end of the bed, or curling up in a ball. It is a precious experience to be able to take for granted...enjoy every second. It's the things we take for granted that are the most precious.

Gifts: A Cautionary Tale

I found something in our local thrift shop today that broke my heart: a gift I gave to someone I literally trust my life to. There it was hanging on the back wall, unmistakable: a once in a lifetime photograph that I entered into our County Fair and received a second place ribbon for. My PCA saw it first and gasped. She grabbed it down off the wall for me. I felt humiliated, shocked, stunned. I was so embarrassed at the check out I just handed them the sales sticker, not the piece itself, and brought it home. $6.00.

The betrayal and anger set in later, along with the tears and a deep sadness. Right now I feel numb - not sure what to do...if anything...so I write.

This person, the receiver of the gift, was the one who encouraged me to create it in the first place and to put it out into the public arena as a challenge to step out of my comfort zone. I gathered my courage and I did just that and obviously I was pleased with the outcome, who wouldn't be. I felt good and strengthened by the whole experience. Afterward I decided to give it to this encourager, this trusted person, as a gift of thanks.

So...be careful how you handle a gift: whether you like it or not; whether it would have been something you would have chosen or not; it doesn't matter. What does matter is that on some level it may have mattered, if even just a little bit, to the person who took the time and care to give it to you. Trust is a hard fought for, precious commodity that should never, ever, be taken for granted. Once it's lost it's hard to regain.

Love is in the details.

Christmas Ramblings and Remembering

I'm enjoying the holidays so far. Winter finally arrived a few days ago with measurable snow and very cold temperatures. Christmas cards have started to arrive with news of family and friends and they are always fun to get: I haven't decided if I'm going to do the same this year or not - we'll see. Most of the presents are purchased and only a few left to wrap. No baking or candy making this year so it's been simple and easy and actually quite relaxing this year. It's nice. Of course having in-home help every day doesn't hurt. I'd be lost without them!

So far I've been reasonably well and it doesn't look like I'll be sick for holidays this year...so far anyway. Decided to start the new medicine after the first of the year. Mom's doing okay. She has good days and not quite as good days but she's fine. I bought her a new red winter coat and so far she seems to like it.

Started sorting through family photos: writing on the back and sorting into a photo box by category. I realized there's a great deal I know that no one else does about the family and wanted to try to see that information get passed down somehow. I know I would have appreciated it on my ancestor's photos and scrapbooks. Maybe I'll eventually update the photo albums already sorted and placed: the albums are becoming worn and photos are falling out. I thought about digitizing everything but there is nothing like holding an old photo in your hand, turning it over to see who and/or when, and remembering...it's fun.

Have a wonderful holiday everyone.

Tough Choices

It has been a long time since I've written; only once since Star died. My life seems to be centered around medicine: either my health or my mom's. I have felt a little lost since I lost Star, and friendships have changed because of it. With all the medical stuff, I haven't had much strength or time to nurture some of my friendships. I feel sad about that but it seems like part of the process. I only have so much to go around and right now mom is my priority after my own health issues.

I have started decorating for Christmas and am almost done. I'm going to start a new medication soon and want everything ready in case I have to spend part of the holiday season with the hosptial staff like I have the last couple of years. It's between being able to move without pain and stopping joint degeneration, or fighting infections. Now that I'm experiencing the pain part and have realized all over again just how horribly painful it can be and the loss involved, I'm going to be brave and try the new medication: unfortunately that also means a much higher risk of infections and being sick -- assuming I can tolerate the medication at all. It frightens me - I won't lie to you. I have what seems to be permanent neurological damage from prior medications (albiet relatively mild and manageable) and I fear more permanent damage...deterioration that can't be reversed...and that risk frightens me. There are no guarantees, but maybe, just maybe the gamble will be worth it. I know what I face now: joint degeneration leading to lose of independence; excruciating pain; being on high dose Prednisone for long periods and all the damage that causes; long term inflammation and what it does to the body - or - the chance of remission...chance...I have to try. It's the only medication I have left to me right now.

Either way, it just plain frightens me.

A Thank You Note

Thank you President Obama for making the health care reform debate much clearer and for dispelling some of the myths. Whatever form health care reform finally takes, thank you for trying to take care of we who have had the experience of being without health insurance and have suffered irreparable changes to our health because of it. In the final debate this is about we the people and caring for those in need. You are right Mr. President and so was Senator Kennedy, it is about our character as a country. This reform will take courage on all our parts: if it will ease the suffering of just one, then it is worth it.

Most Sincerely,
Jeri Jo A. Redman

In Memory of My Best Friend Starlene

IN MEMORY OF MY BEST FRIEND STARLENE
October 22, 1941 - June 20, 2009
I had just moved into Park Towers when I heard this voice out the back door that sounded like baby talk. I didn’t quite know what to think. The owner of that voice became my best friend for the last 8 years. She’d been on a respirator after a massive heart attack and it had damaged her vocal cords, thus the voice. The heart attack left her with only about 10 percent of her heart working and had damaged her kidneys. When she left University of Minnesota Hospital 11 years ago her doctor told her they’d done everything they could and the rest would be up to her, that her attitude would make the difference. Her local doctor here in town didn’t know how she was still here after 10+ years other than sheer will. I know she was still here because of laughter, and playfulness, and love, and a need to make sure her family was okay; she was still here because her God needed her here to touch so many lives, including mine.

Starlene was here as long as she was because of her heart. How ironic.

I miss you my dear friend. Until we meet again…

Written by Jeri Jo A. Redman
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Thanks to everyone that helped to take care of Starlene and keep her going for as long as she did, including: The staff and employees of Hutchinson Area Health Care and Hutchinson Medical Center, staff and employees of Abbott-NW Hospital and the Minneapolis Heart Institute, McLeod County Social Services employees, Faith Lutheran Church, Residents and Staff of Park Towers, the Home Health Aides and Nurses of Connect Care and the Birchwood Hospice House, all the volunteers connected with Meals on Wheels, Gary the Scooter Man of Priced Right Medical Equipment, Dick and the gang at Wheelchairs Plus, Allina Home Medical, her many friends, and of course her family. That’s a lot of people touched by one heart…….
　

Middle of the Night Phone Call

I was awakened this morning at approximately 1:00 am by a phone call from my friend Star. She said something inside felt different and she felt like she was dying. I went right down and we talked for a few minutes about her options, and although she's terrified of the prospect, she chose to start dialysis. I called the ambulance and a few minutes later we were in the ER. She was in a great deal of pain but I was able to get her comfortable and she was able to sleep for about an hour and a half. At 7:00 am they transferred her to the Twin Cities to Abbott/NW Hospital where her Nephrologist has privileges and where the Minneapolis Heart Institute is. They know her there. I came home and slept for a few hours. I haven't heard from her since. Her daughter talked to her for a short time and they were preparing her for dialysis but she hadn't gone as of about 4:00 pm. I tried calling at 6:30 pm and she wasn't in her room. Perhaps her greatest fear is being faced as I write.

To say I feel helpless and useless is an understatement. Everything in me wants and needs to be down there with her but health-wise I just can't do it. So now I wait....and see what comes....and go from there.