It has been a long time since I've written; only once since Star died. My life seems to be centered around medicine: either my health or my mom's. I have felt a little lost since I lost Star, and friendships have changed because of it. With all the medical stuff, I haven't had much strength or time to nurture some of my friendships. I feel sad about that but it seems like part of the process. I only have so much to go around and right now mom is my priority after my own health issues.
I have started decorating for Christmas and am almost done. I'm going to start a new medication soon and want everything ready in case I have to spend part of the holiday season with the hosptial staff like I have the last couple of years. It's between being able to move without pain and stopping joint degeneration, or fighting infections. Now that I'm experiencing the pain part and have realized all over again just how horribly painful it can be and the loss involved, I'm going to be brave and try the new medication: unfortunately that also means a much higher risk of infections and being sick -- assuming I can tolerate the medication at all. It frightens me - I won't lie to you. I have what seems to be permanent neurological damage from prior medications (albiet relatively mild and manageable) and I fear more permanent damage...deterioration that can't be reversed...and that risk frightens me. There are no guarantees, but maybe, just maybe the gamble will be worth it. I know what I face now: joint degeneration leading to lose of independence; excruciating pain; being on high dose Prednisone for long periods and all the damage that causes; long term inflammation and what it does to the body - or - the chance of remission...chance...I have to try. It's the only medication I have left to me right now.
Either way, it just plain frightens me.
