I was thinking about what I wrote in my last blog and it reminded me of when I went into a wheelchair full-time. It was a choice...not a big tragedy...a choice.

My knees had become bone on bone and every morning it took me 4 hours to be able to stand up and walk on my crutches: 4 hours of excruciating pain so that I could continue to walk. For what? To get from one place to another? One morning I woke up and said no more. I called the local pharmacy, ordered a transfer board be delivered, transferred into the three-wheeled scooter I already had and never walked again. It was the first day in years that I didn't start my morning in tears of pain. It was a choice: a choice to take my life and independence back. I could still get from one place to another just using a different mode - and without pain.

There were things I didn't know were ahead of me when I made that choice: the biggest being something called contractures - the inability to no longer straighten my legs out. I tried to maintain range of motion, but again I would have to experience excruciating pain and I wasn't willing to live that any longer. I've had circulatory issues, albeit mild so far. And of course, weight gain, which never entered my mind. That took a lot of getting used to since I was extremely skinning all my life. I also figured one day I could get knee replacements (I had no insurance when this all happened). That has been ruled out...I could if I really wanted to but they couldn't guarantee I'd be without pain and now as far as my knees go I am. I've adapted so well that they really feel it would be a bad choice.

And now I choose to sleep in my wheelchair instead of a bed. This choice for some reason is hitting me a little harder, though I'm not completely sure why yet...still working that one through. It's not a tragedy, just a big change...and a choice...a choice to live with less pain and more quality of life. I wonder what consequences I'm unaware of this time? Time will tell.

In the meantime I keep learning, crying, laughing, hoping, driving my health care providers crazy, and enjoying life as pain free as possible. I do my best to stay in the now and not fret what lay ahead (sometimes easier said than done). I have my good days and bad...as do we all...it's part of the process. I keep my eyes on the bigger picture and try to soar above it all like Eagle and Hawk...warmed by the sun...able to see from a broader perspective...light as air...soaring with ease...no struggle...letting the wind take them where they need to be. To try to journey with as much ease and grace as possible...to remember who I am and why I am here...and to love and be loved.

It's The Things We Take For Granted That Are The Most Precious

Just finished another hospital stay. My life is changing again. My shoulders are disintegrating from Rheumatoid Arthritis and sleeping has been very painful the last couple of months. Because of the contractures in my knees I have had to sleep on my side for about 10 years with only brief periods on my back. Now, sleeping on my side is painful as well. I discovered in the hospital that laying in a bed was no longer feasible if I wanted to sleep comfortably, so now I sleep in my reclining/tilting wheelchair...no more bed. It's hard to wrap my head around. I didn't see it coming. It's a good choice but means so many different things: I'm getting worse...I'm losing another piece of everyday life...grieving the old and learning the new...it means not as many transfers which gives my entire body much less work to undertake...which means my joints will last that much longer. What seems bad is actually good...what's good has become bad...change....grieving...letting go...acceptance...moving on...

When you crawl into bed tonight, enjoy the feel of the cool sheets against your skin, the warmth of your favorite quilt, the relief of your muscles slowly letting go and relaxing, rolling over on your stomach, stretching your legs out to hang over the end of the bed, or curling up in a ball. It is a precious experience to be able to take for granted...enjoy every second. It's the things we take for granted that are the most precious.

Gifts: A Cautionary Tale

I found something in our local thrift shop today that broke my heart: a gift I gave to someone I literally trust my life to. There it was hanging on the back wall, unmistakable: a once in a lifetime photograph that I entered into our County Fair and received a second place ribbon for. My PCA saw it first and gasped. She grabbed it down off the wall for me. I felt humiliated, shocked, stunned. I was so embarrassed at the check out I just handed them the sales sticker, not the piece itself, and brought it home. $6.00.

The betrayal and anger set in later, along with the tears and a deep sadness. Right now I feel numb - not sure what to do...if anything...so I write.

This person, the receiver of the gift, was the one who encouraged me to create it in the first place and to put it out into the public arena as a challenge to step out of my comfort zone. I gathered my courage and I did just that and obviously I was pleased with the outcome, who wouldn't be. I felt good and strengthened by the whole experience. Afterward I decided to give it to this encourager, this trusted person, as a gift of thanks.

So...be careful how you handle a gift: whether you like it or not; whether it would have been something you would have chosen or not; it doesn't matter. What does matter is that on some level it may have mattered, if even just a little bit, to the person who took the time and care to give it to you. Trust is a hard fought for, precious commodity that should never, ever, be taken for granted. Once it's lost it's hard to regain.

Love is in the details.