Spent most of the afternoon on the river trail; needed desperately to get outside. Halfway there I started bawling and couldn't stop...the numbness is wearing off and the sadness has hit big time. Lots of other emotions as well.
Found a spot in the sun, out of the wind, overlooking a wetland down by the old basspond, and fell asleep in my chair for a while. It was good. Grieving can be exhausting. I wanted desperately to be with my brothers but they were both working. I gave up my cell phone and only have a land line so calling wasn't an option either.
Sure does hurt. ...Part of the circle of life...one of life's initiations...an inevitable transition we all go through...glad I told her "I love you" a lot:wish it had been more...miss that mischievous smile...the rare kiss...those frail, long-fingered hands...that white "Madsen" hair...having someplace else to go...being needed...funny the little things ya miss.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
How Life Can Change In An Instant: UPDATE
Well, I was right, my mother lived out her last days in the nursing home: She died October 16, 2010 at the age of 86. Her Doc and I talked about it at her wake, and she died from inactivity. They were short staffed and couldn't or wouldn't get her up when she wanted to, as often as she wanted to and her lungs filled with fluid. Don't get me wrong, she was getting frail and her days were numbered, I'm not being naive, but she lived a lot fewer of them because of the care she received. There were some wonderful staff up there and I am ever so grateful to them...and momma didn't make it easy for them: she was angry and stubborn and a crabby old lady...but once she got to that place she curled up and died. I kept her out of there for about 11 years and I am so glad.
I do now wish I had moved her to the Hospice House where she would have received much more one on one service but you know the old cliche' about hindsight. We did enter her in to the hospice program the day before she died and they were and are wonderful and I'm taking advantage of the programs. I highly recommend it: just don't put it off too long.
I find myself a bit surprised as I write this how bitter and angry I feel today: part of the process I know. I couldn't be up there for 2 to 3 weeks at a time due to my own health issues and that frustrated me to no end. When I was there I could advocate for her and things got done but when I wasn't there she was at the mercy of their routines and programs and had very little to say about how anything went, although I guarantee you she made her wishes known...until she gave up and stopped making her wishes known or telling them when she was hurting or sick. She got tired of waiting for her call button to be answered and stopped pushing it. There were a number of times when she called me and I had to call the nurses station and tell them what was going on.
She called me one time because she'd picked a scab and it wouldn't stop bleeding and she was terrified. She said her nurse had come in and given her some ice to put on it and left her, ...basic first aide tells you to apply pressure, right, plus you don't leave a terrified bleeding patient, right?! Well, after I calmed her down I called the nurses station and her case manager happened to answer and I told her what was going on and could she please help. I talked to mom a short time later and she said it was okay and the lady I sent was very nice and helpful and the bleeding had stopped and she had a band aide on and the lady had stayed with her for awhile. I realized just shortly before mom died that I hadn't seen the original nurse for quite some time..hmmmmm.
Enough for now: I'll write more soon. Need to work through the anger.
I do now wish I had moved her to the Hospice House where she would have received much more one on one service but you know the old cliche' about hindsight. We did enter her in to the hospice program the day before she died and they were and are wonderful and I'm taking advantage of the programs. I highly recommend it: just don't put it off too long.
I find myself a bit surprised as I write this how bitter and angry I feel today: part of the process I know. I couldn't be up there for 2 to 3 weeks at a time due to my own health issues and that frustrated me to no end. When I was there I could advocate for her and things got done but when I wasn't there she was at the mercy of their routines and programs and had very little to say about how anything went, although I guarantee you she made her wishes known...until she gave up and stopped making her wishes known or telling them when she was hurting or sick. She got tired of waiting for her call button to be answered and stopped pushing it. There were a number of times when she called me and I had to call the nurses station and tell them what was going on.
She called me one time because she'd picked a scab and it wouldn't stop bleeding and she was terrified. She said her nurse had come in and given her some ice to put on it and left her, ...basic first aide tells you to apply pressure, right, plus you don't leave a terrified bleeding patient, right?! Well, after I calmed her down I called the nurses station and her case manager happened to answer and I told her what was going on and could she please help. I talked to mom a short time later and she said it was okay and the lady I sent was very nice and helpful and the bleeding had stopped and she had a band aide on and the lady had stayed with her for awhile. I realized just shortly before mom died that I hadn't seen the original nurse for quite some time..hmmmmm.
Enough for now: I'll write more soon. Need to work through the anger.
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