I was thinking about what I wrote in my last blog and it reminded me of when I went into a wheelchair full-time. It was a choice...not a big tragedy...a choice.

My knees had become bone on bone and every morning it took me 4 hours to be able to stand up and walk on my crutches: 4 hours of excruciating pain so that I could continue to walk. For what? To get from one place to another? One morning I woke up and said no more. I called the local pharmacy, ordered a transfer board be delivered, transferred into the three-wheeled scooter I already had and never walked again. It was the first day in years that I didn't start my morning in tears of pain. It was a choice: a choice to take my life and independence back. I could still get from one place to another just using a different mode - and without pain.

There were things I didn't know were ahead of me when I made that choice: the biggest being something called contractures - the inability to no longer straighten my legs out. I tried to maintain range of motion, but again I would have to experience excruciating pain and I wasn't willing to live that any longer. I've had circulatory issues, albeit mild so far. And of course, weight gain, which never entered my mind. That took a lot of getting used to since I was extremely skinning all my life. I also figured one day I could get knee replacements (I had no insurance when this all happened). That has been ruled out...I could if I really wanted to but they couldn't guarantee I'd be without pain and now as far as my knees go I am. I've adapted so well that they really feel it would be a bad choice.

And now I choose to sleep in my wheelchair instead of a bed. This choice for some reason is hitting me a little harder, though I'm not completely sure why yet...still working that one through. It's not a tragedy, just a big change...and a choice...a choice to live with less pain and more quality of life. I wonder what consequences I'm unaware of this time? Time will tell.

In the meantime I keep learning, crying, laughing, hoping, driving my health care providers crazy, and enjoying life as pain free as possible. I do my best to stay in the now and not fret what lay ahead (sometimes easier said than done). I have my good days and bad...as do we all...it's part of the process. I keep my eyes on the bigger picture and try to soar above it all like Eagle and Hawk...warmed by the sun...able to see from a broader perspective...light as air...soaring with ease...no struggle...letting the wind take them where they need to be. To try to journey with as much ease and grace as possible...to remember who I am and why I am here...and to love and be loved.