My best friend's kidneys stopped working tonight. Actually a couple of days ago. We knew this day was going to come. Now that it's here I feel numb...and not. I have an infection and don't feel well enough to be with her and it hurts. I've been with her every step of the way so far so she wouldn't have to be alone and today when she had to go in and have this dreaded news delivered, I wasn't there - she was alone.

And now she'll begin the journey of dialysis. A journey we've both dreaded for over 8 years. Dialysis is tough on those with a strong heart and she only has about 10% of her heart functioning. Dialysis is very dangerous for her...and I'm afraid I won't be able to be there for her when she starts and it's breaking my heart. She's been my best friend for 8 years now and my partner in crime, my scooter buddy, my co-pilot on road trips, and my comic relief. She can always make me laugh. She's terrified of dialysis, mostly because her niece and sister have been through it and their experiences were horrendous...and I may not be able to be there for her. Of all times for me to get sick. I believe there is a divine reason for everything. This one, whatever it is, sucks!

We've both known she's been living on borrowed time for quite awhile, but now it's getting a little too real. We were out scootering recently and she said to me, "You're going to have to find someone else to scooter with...who are you going to scooter with?" We've talked about her moving into the hospice house when the time comes, we've talked about (more like laughed about) her coming back to haunt me, we've talked about death, and faith, and afterlife...but how do you talk about the pain of losing her - of being left behind. She says she's ready but I know she's terrified. So am I. She wants it over; it's like living with a ticking time bomb inside your body and she's tired of being sick.

But....who am I going to scooter with?